What's going through my head right now #25

‘The thing about entropy’

Sometimes life hits you with a hammer and leaves a hole that you can neither understand nor comprehend in any way. A vacuum is created in which time and space cannot be defined, in which everything mundane is pushed into the background. It's as if you're sitting in a fast train, the landscape rushing past you, only vaguely perceiving what exists out there and existing only in your own stream of consciousness. Although stream is probably the wrong term. It is more a kind of disorder, not necessarily chaos, but also not an orderly structure, which simply changes without warning, unpredictably, suddenly and, above all, without any warning. Thoughts rush over you, hit you, graze you or evaporate without you really being able to grasp them.

A colleague, a long-time companion in dance. A person who dedicated his life to the art of ballet, who shone as a dancer and soloist, most recently at the Bavarian State Opera in Munich, and who helped many young talents on their way as a lecturer at the SBBS and ZHdK in Zurich. A person I have known and come to appreciate for almost 30 years is dead. He was only a few years older than me and was supposed to start as a ballet coach in the new training and further education programme at the Joy of Dance Academy in Rapperswil-Jona (Switzerland). We had spoken on the phone just recently and discussed the upcoming workshop. And suddenly you get the news that this person has died. Without any further information. You stand there, reviewing everything, analysing your last conversations, text messages, and wondering what could really have happened.

The thought of the brevity of life, the unpredictability and the sheer immeasurability of the present (the measurable moment of the present seems to be a maximum of 2.7 seconds) overwhelms you. You try to find meaning in your life and point to a perspective, to encourage yourself that everything, absolutely everything, will last for years, if not decades. Yet here, too, the knowledge of all kinds of surprising and sudden twists and turns hangs over us like the sword of Damocles, especially when we repeatedly hear of serious and mostly unexpected illnesses, accidents or other strokes of fate in our wider circle.

How long will this state last? How long will we remain in this space of intangible thoughts and emotional turmoil?

At the moment, reality is pushing its way through the cracks, breaking through the jumble of thoughts in my head and sweeping everything out like a broom, clearing the space and helping me to focus again on myself and the present, if not the future. These moments of pausing, swirling and then clearing are like a catharsis that allows you to straighten out your own life a little. Your perspective changes, becoming more accurate or simply more truthful.

Perhaps that is the thing about entropy. We cannot prevent disorder, but we can decide how to deal with it. My colleague dedicated his life to dance, leaving his mark on the people he inspired with his dancing and his interpretation, and later taught and inspired on so many levels. That is what remains when entropy takes its course. Not predictability, not control, but the traces we leave behind. The connections we make.

The moments when we were truly there. And that is precisely what makes the difference between merely existing and really living.