What's going through my head right now #24

‘Regaining innocence’

During my walk along the banks of the Lech river this Sunday morning, I encountered numerous joggers. They can be divided into three categories:

There are the experienced runners who do this not just once a week, but who run their laps in all weathers and at all times of the year. Their posture, their almost casual trot and their good but relaxed pace are evidence of countless repetitions and an almost meditative rhythm.

Then there are the joggers who run intermittently or rather sporadically. They try to exude a relaxed atmosphere, push past you (you almost get the feeling that they hold their breath during those few metres so that you don't hear their heavy breathing) and usually wear the latest shoes and clothes. Their gait seems learned, you can sense their determination and confidence that this is exactly what they want to do.

And then there are the people who have set themselves a goal (a typical New Year's resolution) to do something good for themselves or even to have to do something good for themselves. The awkward rolling of their feet, the exaggerated swing of their arms, their tense shoulders and the forced smile as they pant past you show their effort** to** to do something that not only exhausts them, almost catapulting them beyond their limits, but also shows that they want to achieve something. Very few will see it through, because soon there will be enough moments that will prevent them from sticking with it.

And I don't find that reprehensible at all, because most of the time the motivations are related to issues such as body weight, age and appearance, which arise from negative feelings. The only thing that bothers me is when this is often suggested from outside rather than coming from within. YOU are not okay the way you are. Things are going in the wrong direction for YOU. YOU have to do something for yourself because ...

So these people chastise themselves and try to counteract these ‘negative’ things. Usually in a brutal way and with little planning. Or with a plan that is not only made up of general platitudes and traditional ideas, but also has nothing to do with their real personal needs and possible problems. In this way, they give a lot of space and power to generalities and oh-so-important tips and lose sight of their own perspectives.

I too fell into this trap for a long time. For me, too, it was a process that took years. As a teenage gymnast, I always felt too chubby. Somehow too tall, too much baby fat. When I danced, I was almost too muscular (i.e. not exactly princely), and my self-image became increasingly distorted. Of course, I tried a number of things to improve my figure. Fortunately, this never lasted long. And when I look at pictures from back then today, I can only shake my head and wonder why I had such a strange image of myself. That only slowly changed in my mid-twenties. And at some point, it became clear that, precisely because of the many changes and periodic phases over the course of countless years of various dance productions, each with its own individual demands on movement language and physical requirements, my body was always undergoing a certain change (and still is – and not just because of age).

Nevertheless, I feel more and more at home with myself, I enjoy myself, enjoy my food, sometimes laze around and skip training when I don't feel like it.

Then, at some point this morning, I encountered a father with his son. The teenager just ran ahead, looking around randomly, drifting along. He sprinted ahead, then fell back again, calling something to his father without being out of breath. The father, on the other hand, trotted along, looking ahead very intently and trying hard to keep up the pace. I could sense his inner struggle, almost as if he didn't want to lose his composure, to let his exhaustion or the strain show.

At that moment, I realised once again how dependent we make ourselves on external images, expectations and internal pressure. The boy's innocence, simply running without having to give a specific reason for doing so, but simply enjoying running, having fun, experiencing something together with his father. An innocence that is increasingly finding its way into my life, gaining ground and also inspiring my creativity. The appeal lies in doing something without thinking about the result, the consequences or even expectations, but simply enjoying the moment and taking it with you.

Perhaps that is the key: striving less tensely for ideals, perfection or illusory worlds and trust more into your own rhythm and flow.