What's going through my head right now #13

REJECTIONS – and disillusionment follows immediately

It's a funny thing about rejections. You feel prepared, knowing full well that it's virtually impossible to be among the chosen few – that tiny fraction who receive support, recognition, and attention. A committee decides on the allocation of financial resources, grants time in artistic oases including supervision, and thus directs public attention to those being assessed. The others—usually the vast majority—are dismissed with two lines of standard phrases, regardless of how close they came to being accepted or how far away they are from it. The rare feedback is limited to platitudes that are about as helpful as a placebo.

In my early years as a dance artist, I received a lot of funding and was really supported. But I must also add that I worked excessively hard for years and lived only for dance. Long after that (or rather in between), I was no longer dependent on this form of subsidy.

For me, commitments were always proof of my ability and confidence that I was on the right track. At the same time, it felt strange to put myself in a position of dependence on committees and expectations. Humility played a role—it was and is not a matter of course for me that people give me money for my art, especially when it doesn't even exist yet and the possible result is more like a mirage on the distant horizon.

I now think differently about this. Since I started writing and managed to get a novel published, with numerous readings having taken place and more to come, my expectations of myself have risen. My next novel will be written with a different ambition—and won't take another four years. Starting this summer, I will be self-employed and thus working as a freelancer for the time being. It's time for new structures and a more focused approach.

My years of work in theater have enabled me to successfully realize numerous concepts and applications. So I assume that my applications for support for a writing project will not come across as amateurish. I know the statutes and guidelines. I have also been a jury member myself on several occasions and have reviewed applications – in the field of dance and theater, but always with great respect and the greatest possible objectivity. Using my tools of the trade, my dramaturgical intuition, and the prospect of an artistic signature, I have tried to promote people who have sustainable career prospects. When someone asked me for feedback, I was prepared and able to formulate it.

This makes it all the more difficult for me to face rejections that come without explanation. The few words express superficial regret and leave me in a vacuum that I cannot make sense of. This has happened several times recently with my new book project.

The good thing is that I recover quickly from these moments. They can no longer affect my soul, my creativity, or my ego. Many years of ups and downs have given me a strength that no one can take away from me. This is because I am highly capable of self-reflection and a healthy dose of self-criticism.

But perhaps that is the real gain: failure gives rise to an independence that is more valuable than any support. Every rejection sharpens my focus on what is essential—the art itself, not its recognition. And that makes me freer for what is to come. Because when I look back on everything I have created and achieved, I don't worry about finding the right tone.

Jochen, cordially