What´s going through my head right now #37

"MOTIVATIONAL BLOCK"

Here I sit, pondering. Trying to figure out what drives me, why I risk losing sight of my goals, and why some things get finished after all while others fade into the mists of time and oblivion. Was I more motivated in the past, more consistent in pursuing my visions, and more tenacious when it came to perseverance? Or have the countless experiences, obstacles overcome, and mundane transience of the last few decades simply made me more mature, more economical, and a little wiser—so that I don’t chase after everything and everyone that happens to cross my mind? Is there an efficiency at work that slows me down or, better yet, holds me back, because I sense—or even know (it’s always astonishing how close certain words are to one another in the German language, often separated by just one letter and seeming to support one another: weise [wise] – wissen [to know]) —that some things don’t make sense, represent too much effort for too little return, that the gain in experience tends toward zero, or that I’m simply having a déjà vu experience that I don’t intend to repeat.

And then there are those projects that simply take up time. Lifetime. Once you’re in the thick of it, there’s no turning back. At least that’s always been the case for me so far. And that’s also the reason why I haven’t really started on my second novel yet. I already have about 60 manuscript pages. I have a concept and structure in mind, and these first few lines already give a glimpse of them. Yet I’m hesitant to keep writing—not because the topic or the idea doesn’t inspire me. On the contrary. It’s timely and is even indirectly related to this newsletter. Nor is it “writer’s block.” There are simply so many other things going on around me—both professionally and personally—that I don’t want to get sucked into such a project right now. Because once I’m in, as I said, there’s no stopping me.

It’s easier for me with my work in dance and theater, because there are clear deadlines, the premiere is set, and the work is foreseeable over a certain period of time—almost calculable. Perhaps also because I can draw on nearly 40 years of professional experience and a well-honed craft that gives me the confidence to know I can handle everything within a specific timeframe.

When it comes to writing a novel, there’s still a great deal of uncertainty and unpredictability for me. Perhaps it would help to know that I already have a publisher for it or that someone is actively guiding me through the process—just as I did with my first novel „tanzen fallen fliegen“. While in my 20s, 30s, and 40s I planned long-term projects without hesitation, developed them based on my own visions, and played a key role in shaping them—projects that spanned several years—I now feel the weight of age, which is teaching me restraint: I no longer have to chase after every supposedly great idea. And I don’t need to.

And yet, I sometimes long for the drive and intensity I felt back then. Every now and then, it feels as though a lethargy is setting in. Not laziness—but the dynamism is missing here and there. Perhaps also the ambition to create something new. Something that absorbs me and draws me into its own cosmos. Without any ifs or buts.

That said: When I’m working on something that’s foreseeable, timely, and tangible—like the weekly newsletters, the preparations for our training and continuing education programs at the JDA in Rapperswil-Jona, or the symphonic dance project at the University of Tübingen—then I know: It’s going to happen! And not just somehow, but exactly as planned! And beyond that…

Well, I’ll probably have to think about to what extent I’ll embark on the “novel” adventure again. Whether I can manage it in a way that’s a little less all-consuming and detached from the world. If the goal isn’t the publisher and publication, but rather reflection, grappling with themes that have occupied me for years and haven’t really let go.

Growing older, engaging with our generation in today’s cultural and theater circles, and reflecting on what we’ve created and achieved so far. Respect, resilience, daring, loyalty, and love. Not necessarily “therapeutic,” but perhaps a catalyst for something new?

Yours Jochen, sincerely